Dear Stalker-san Chapter 1

Dear Stalker-san!

-Falling in love is a piece of art.
So, when I saw you, you gave my life a new colour.-

 Right now, the me hiding behind this wall, is extremely happy. Though it may not look like this, I, Arai Shiori, am actually in love with the person I'm looking at: Aikawa Misaki.
Usually normal people would what I'm doing call STALKING qnd I know I'm weird. It's just the fact I can't stop. There he was, laughing with his friends being as bright as the sun.
He wasn't especially popular, just refreshing to be friends with. That kind of personality allowed him to never be alone. Ever since I started growing feelings for him, I planned to tell him my feelings. But today, once again, I do not have the courage to come up to him and let him pass me without looking in my direction.
 Frustrating. Painful.
It was one year ago that I fell in love with him. One rainy day my poor and ugly self stood out there alone in the rain and Misaki was the only one to give me his kind words. The words that saved me. That time I was thinking, why me? and he told me that "not the smallest light wasn't worth looking at". I changed since then and gave myself a new colour.
 I'm sure Misaki does not remember the crying girl in front of the school, but I still want him to see how bright my light is. Knowing him, even if he does not remember me, he will still say things that will cheer me up. Because he's Misaki.
With a last sigh I return to my classroom. One of my classmates, a black haired slender girl, is blocking my way in, constantly looking at me. That's nothing special in particular. Now and then, people would notice that I stalk Misaki and they would eventually try to make me stop it. Sometimes they're violent and sometimes they end up crying, pained by their rejected feelings. All I can do is watch as they break one by one. And know I can never confess, even if I plan to day by day, in order to not get broken too.
It's like that today too. The way this girl looks at me: like I'm garbage in her way. Maybe I really am. Right now there's not enough space in my head to think about those things.
 "Sorry", I approach her, like I always do, "Is there..umm..some problem with me going back to class?"
 "'Course there is!", she barks, "Y'know it gets odd and boring looking at you helplessly stalking some hot guy not being able to move on for one year. Are you a kid or somthing?"
"H-huh?", I ask. Unlike the others that girl seemed to use a different technic. If I wouldn't have known I would have thought she didn't like the same person as me. "So you've decided that I'm just some freaking fangirl? Could you please consider my feelings in this?"
"Really, watching you is seriously tiring me out. Just move your ass already so he can reject you before you're also grossing everyone else out." That said she leaves me in the hallway, feeling empty. What in hell did she KNOW? My feelings for Misaki, weren't they much greater than some silly kid's feelings?
In class theres not much I can think about but that girls words. She may have been rude but wasn't her way of seeing things right? If Misaki knew about what I have been doing all this time...would he think I'm disgusting? A pathetic, gross stalker, that's just what I am.
I never really had friends. My mother died when I was born and my dad would always blame me for that, so I was given to my grandparents. They watched me properly and I did grow to a good kid writing good marks and never bringing home a boy. But being all that was more than lonely. Other kids teased me for who I was, besides not standing out too much. On the other hand, it's not like I could tell anyone about it.
Then, that day, I stood alone in the pooring rain, had forgotten my umbrella and decided to just give in already. Give in to life and its unfair rules. Until Misaki spoke up to me.
It was like I was playing hide and seek for all my life almost giving up hope to ever be found and near tears, and then finally the door to my hiding place is opened and someone is saying: I-found-you.
"Sorry", I cut the teachers words that I didn't even listen to and flee him, running out of the classroom.
It's late.
It's definitely wrong.
But I DO like Misaki.
I'm running so fast that I don't have the time to think about pausing to catch my breath. The next door, that's his classroom. That's the door I'm opening now, the room in which my eyes are searching for him and find him. What am I doing, really. I don't know what I'm feeling- gasping while looking at Misakis blonde hair, his blue confused eyes like he remembers me but does not.
"Can I speak to Aikawa-san?", I pant and realize I'm stared at by about twenty people. Misaki slowly stands up and follows me out of the room and I can still see the confusion in every inch of his face.
"Think you wanna cut class?" That warm and familiar chuckle of his is more than enough as my answer. We're walking towards the rooftop. The nearer we get, the stronger the wind is blowing my hair up and I'm feeling light as a bird as soon as I can feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin. Every fiber of my body can feel it's going to be the end now.
Misaki suggests we sit on the ground since there are no benchs or whatsoever. After all, normally students aren't allowed up here.
"So...what is it, dear Stalker-san?"
... Huh? ...
"Did that scare you? I guess the thought that the one you've been stalking could actually know about you never crossed your mind?"
"Totally didn't scare me!", I answer Misaki and turn his way, honestly spoken more than shocked. Could it be he remembered me? No. Apart from that day, I had never showen myself before him again, so how could be possibly remember me? "My, you're being a horrible liar again." Another chuckle. This time it didn't sound like Misaki at all. I'm starting to feel chills running down my body.
"W-what are you saying? I just ...I want to-"
"Confess you say?" I'm not imagining it. He's moving closer, his eyes no longer confused but completely dark and those of a stranger. "I wonder to whom though. To Aikawa Misaki, or to your beloved Misaki-kun?"
I feel like throwing up. What's with this situation? That's not Misaki, is it? Taking a deep breath through my lungs that seem to be burning I close my eyes and order my thoughts.
Focus.
"Misaki, I love you. Ever since you've saved me one year ago I was so madly in love with you that it was hardly bearable at all. As you seem to know, I've been secretly... following you to get to know you better. I'm prepared to get rejected, so, do it properly, please, so I can finally move on."
Misaki lowers his head a little as he distances himself from me again. I can see him smile, though I'm unable to tell if he's happy about my feelings or if this smile is just empty.
"So that's it now? Would have guessed as much, right... " He pauses for a moment before continuing. "I'm sorry I can't answer your feelings. But after stalking me for so long you sadly still don't seem to know me the least bit. I'm not that bright like you are. So if I have the right to ask you one request...please try to look at me more desperate this time. Please don't give up on me just yet."
Now I'm the one that feels like laughing. Not knowing him? Not giving up? Just how...selfish and cruel can one be. Because, Misaki, you know exactly that I can't give you up if you say it like this. 'I'm not that bright like you are'? Also...don't give me that shit. Being bright...wasn't that all thanks to you? Can't you see? Can't you just...break me and end it already?
"Don't cry now..", he whispers and is back to the kind Misaki I know. I'm different now.
"How could... I not do... that?"
My, my. Being rejected, no matter how many times you tell youself your prepared, no matter how tough you are or how often you have imagined it- It still hurts.
Finding my way back to class seems an endless path to me, but I'm really glad when I'm back in my seat and I can drown myself in stupid math problems. Compared to love, they seem so easy now.